The Loneliest Douche

“Oh naw playa what happened? You run out of the Goose? Where’d it go? Into a bunch of average looking underage girls probably? HeHe. You’re so pimp. Hey, why don’t you stop by our table. We, have a couple bottles left, and well, Craig kind of thinks you’re cute. I don’t know if you’re into that kind of stuff, but uh, come around here often?”

26

01 2011

What’s Up Brahs


Dog I was been crazy blacked out on the Goose this holiday, otherwise I’d have posted a couple times over the last three months. But whatever brah, step off, aight?

My boy EmptyG took some time off of banging models and doing lat pull downs to send me this gem. What can I say that isn’t plainly obvious by that sick Puma jacket and dope gang sign he’s throwin? Cripple Mafia playa! Just another day shooting Goose with a Coca Cola chaser – then probably getting his mom to drive him to the mall.

Just in case you missed it, check the gangsta floral pattern on the porcelin containers to his right. Straight thuggin.

25

01 2011

Goose Douches Love Miami

Lovely reader Amy, who I’ve been told looks like a cross between Jessica Biel, Megan Fox, and a block of solid gold, recently sent in a link to the photo section of SET Night Club in Miami. Was there douche there? Obviously. Miami’s douche to none douche ratio rivals only Jersey for overall douchiness. I mean there’s a reason the second season of the Jersey Shore is down there.

For instance, there was this guy:

And these two classy patrons:

And holy shit this guy:

So we knew with this collection of assholes the Goose must be close – but where?

And then I spotted it. Eureka:

All I know to be true about the Goose Douche confirmed.

28

10 2010

PIMP!

The Goose Douche is a species marked by their simple and predictable nature – which makes finding speciemen so simple. All I have to do is Google “grey goose” plus “ballah” or “pimp” or “the hottness” or any number of other phrases that makes me vomit a little in my mouth and I get rewarded with a bevy of people I want to hit with a cement truck. Case in point is this D-bizzle. “grey goose + pimp” brought me to this one. Sideways hat, Iverson jersey, holding the Goose – it’s all completely standard Goose Douche behavior. But getting on this site is about bringing it to the next level, which he did by labeling the picture “Grey Goose, Bitches!!!”. Bravo ballah, bravo.

13

10 2010

The Douche Loves Popping That Collar


Few things exemplify the Goose Douche like the popped collar. It’s like eye shadow to goth kids, or jorts on people from Gainesville. This ubiquitis sign of douche is equivalent to the feathers on the majestic peacock – displayed high and proud to show everyone it’s magnificence. This specimen is typical of the species, displaying shitty facical hair, retarded peircings, and the smug look of douchery. 8 in 10 chance that Goose bottle is filled with Popov. THAT’S JUST HOW THE GOOSE DOUCHE BE ROLLIN SON!

13

10 2010

Goose Douches are Sleepy


Loyal reader and professional bad ass Roger sent through the next three pics shortly after slaying a tiger with his bare hands and then making a batch of delicious cinnamon raisin cookies.

The one above is a real beaut. The bottle held close to his face. The closed eyes. The smug look of a serial asshole. Why the hell is this such a common pose for the Goose Douche? What about the bottle creates such a soothing effect? Why would this guy allow people to take this pic? If I was ever caught looking so douchey I’d go Keiser Soze and murder the photographer’s entire family including their pets. Instead he looks like he’s going to let the bottle take his virginity.

29

09 2010

I Hope People Emulate* This

Yo, the Game is so crisp playa. Look at him house that whole bottle of Goose on stage yo. That’s mad crazy sick. He’s got crazy tolerance yo – I mean never mind the fact that chugging a bottle of vodka would have put his blood alcohol level at lethal levels so I’m guessing that it was most likely water. But hell yeah that’s gangsta. More people should try that dog. Please?

*emulate means copy- just in case my brahs be slippin.

22

09 2010

Grey Goose Turning Guidos to Veloci-douches


Sweet baby Jesus what the hell is that thing? Half man and half…well… it just looks like half a man. Maybe even three eights? What the hell is he 12?

Regardless of the fact he doesn’t have pubes what the hell happened to this douche? He looks like a baby velociraptor or some kind of lizard with Down’s Syndrome. If I ever saw him I wouldn’t be sure whether to point and laugh, run, or show him a motivational episode of Life Goes On. “If Corky can do it so can you Down’s Douche.”

08

09 2010

Two Bottles Two Bitch Tits

Thank you Greg for sending me this double fisted gem.

In the land of the goose douche certain things are to be expected – a faux hawk is one. Those are as common as fat chicks with food on their face. Ed Hardy shirts, (or whatever the hell that short sleeved disaster is) are obviously another. But bitch tits aren’t par for the course. Don’t get me wrong, I mean they’re cute, but maybe you should opt for the XL next time bro.

30

08 2010

1 bottle = douchey, 6 bottles = the douche king


OMMFG We have a winner! This picture submitted by international man of mystery and poon slayer Jonathan could be one of the most impressive specimen on the site. This dude is built to draw my ire. The jacket, the indoor use of sunglasses, the jacket, the face, the fact the bottles have pour spouts on them – not to mention he’s holding six bottles. SIX! The human body only holds like holds 5 liters of blood. Playa is holding 4.5 liters of the Goosey Goose. What’s he going to do with them? Barter for a less smug look? Dude is like a walking ad for contraception.

But it gets WORSE. Holy mother of god look at the dude he’s hanging out with here.

Nice hair emo kitteh. Grey Goose should pay them to drink anything else. Anything. He’s $100, please ruin my competitor’s image. Thanks.

14

06 2010