All Douches Are Not Created Equal

The photo above sent in by international man of mystery Luke Tye from Chelsea, UK should serve as a lesson that not all douchery is Goose Douchery.

Nevermind, those are bottles are Belvedere. The picture below shows a Goose Douche can’t be judged solely on the vodka they’re blacking out on that night.

But where’s the dude’s deep V, the Ed Hardy/Affliction shirt, sunglasses in a dimly lit club, a kiss face, the faux chug, slightly sideways cap, the bottle pose, etc? He doesn’t even have the smug self satisfied look that can only come from getting ballah with a $300 bottle.

Is this guy a douchebag? Probably. The Photoshopping alone is pretty DB. Not to mention Belevedere is an extremely douchey brand in it’s own right, and the Terry Richardson commercials were probably the douchiest campaign in marketing history. But a Belevedouche is a different kind of douche, and playa over here looks two ducks short of the Goose.

07

02 2011

Ahoy Matey. Dar be a Douche of Goose off the the Starboard

This picture sent in by Sam from Oxford, UK is somewhat confusing. Are the the two sexy chicks that are about to kiss being held hostage on a haunted treasure galleon by a sexually ambiguous pirate and a douchey kid with an enormous bottle of Goose? Or is the spider web in the background just decoration, and Jack Sparrow’s eyeliner and unbuttoned puffy shirt just part of the least heterosexual costume choice of all time? I’m not well versed enough on 18th century mariners, but the their mutual love of makeup and open shirts makes the distinction between pirates and the Goose Douche questionable (in more ways than one, hardy har har).

What’s not questionable is the chick in the black has a tremendous rack. Fact.

So thanks again to Sam for showing us that Goose Douchery and the rocking boobs it attracts is an international.

04

02 2011

Juice Douche Need Goose

“THIS NOT PLAYA! NO GOOSE MAKES JUICE DOUCHE ANGRY! ANGRY JUICE DOUCHE SMASH! RAWR!!!!”

Terrified onlooker: Holy shit our weapons are useless against his massive bis! We’re all gonna die! Someone get this enormous Goose Douche some French vodka before he kills us all!!!

“JUICE DOUCHE HAPPY. JUICE DOUCHE NO SMASH. GET DATE RAPE ON. *RELAXED SIGH*”

Thank God. We appear to be safe again. Except for the chick in the gold shirt and leather. She’s fucked.

03

02 2011

Professional Goose Douchery

Reggie Miller filling a hot chick up like a Goose decanter

We tend to hold professional athletes in high regard because their work uniforms are made of lightweight moisture wicking materials, and they occasional bang models. Fact is there isn’t a douchier  group of human beings on the planet. Every year dozens of them get arrested for assault, public intoxication, drug possession, traffic violations, accessory to murder – but enough about Pacman Jones.

You could point out that the Pros get arrested less often than the Joes, but how many dudes getting booked for raping chicks in a bar bathroom are pulling in seven figures with endorsement deals from NIKE? That said it should come as no surprise that as soon as you’re childhood hero is done rail tailing his teammates in the locker room it’s on to bitches, bottle service, and your run of the mill Goose Douchery.

Goose Douchery makes Jeter sleepy

Barry Zito with the Goose Douche standard chug move

Basketball player who's not on the Heat and therefore doesn't matter, Haseem Thabeet

Pictures from: Drunk Athletes

02

02 2011

The Goose Douche Has Interesting Hair

We’ve gotten a little off topic lately, but these bags of douche are more DBLGG’s bread and butter. They’re in fact so douchey that I’m assuming this is either a Halloween costume or a dress like a douchebag social at University of Florida or something. There is no way the dude in the middle could keep up that level of douche on a day to day basis. It’s impossible. More importantly, what company made those shirts? Can we get the designer sterilized or something? There’s no way we’ll be able to stop pudgy Mexicans with wallet chains from purchasing that god awful thing, but if we cut off the head we may have a chance?

01

02 2011

Emerging Artists Love Goosing

Being that I’m a staunchly heterosexual male, I have absolutely no idea who Drake is. I vaguely remember a Seinfeld reference, but definitely not the dude in the Levi’s 501 jacket eye fucking the camera. According to his Wikipedia page he’s Canadian, Jewish, and stared as a cripple on Degrassi High, so it’s safe to say this dude is straight gangsta. Even more thug is his Facebook fan page with over 11 million fans including my 15 year old cousin and friend Gary.

But seriously, 11 million fans? How is that even possible that he has 11 million fans and I’m lucky to get 20 hits a day. Is it the Goose or his platnium albums? Most likely the former but I’m not ruling out the power of Goosing.

01

02 2011

I <3 These Douchey Bastards

I’m not sure how many pictures I’ve posted of these kids but their comitment to Goose Douchery is bragable. They’re like the Micheal Jordan of douche. The gold standard against which all other douches will be judged. Seriously though, who are they and why hasn’t anyone let them in on the joke? How is it even possible to keep such consistently high levels of douchiness? And does the one with the bottle have any shirts that aren’t white (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)? I need ANSWERS!!!

31

01 2011

OMFG, We’ve Found a Winner

I don’t normally post twice in a day – or even twice in a month really, but this uber douche sent in by sexy reader Erika, (I’ve heard in many cultures she’s revered as a Princess,) might be the douchiest douche that’s ever douched.

First of all WTF is going on in this picture? Why is the chick from Swim Fan to his left? Why did the movie Swim Fan even get made? Why does that chick to his right have three arms? Why’s there a ginger in the shot? Is this a bar, a concert, a zombie appocalypse?  And who is making this guy mouth fuck the bottle? I mean that angle isn’t close to giving a pour, and even if it was the cap is on the bottle. Undettered, he’s about to throat it like he’s Jenna Haze in Suck it Dry 6 (I watched it for the articles). Just the sight of it, or the massive amounts of drugs he’s on, has caused his eyes to roll into the back of his head.

Behold the power of the Goose my friends. Strong enough to turn your run of the mill douche into a bottle throating minion of the undead. I hope they eventually let him drink some – or at least sprayed it on his face like the classy fella he is.

28

01 2011

Hipster Jesus Giving Up the Unholy Sacrament

Before zombie Jesus came back for our sins (and most likely brains), he was a pretty happening dude. Hung out with hookers, turned water into wine, traveled around with a bunch of long haired dissadents. So it should come as no surprise that Hipster Jesus is all about filling hot chicks up with the Goose. Look at the righteous hand of the lord making sure she keeps her trap open so he can fill her with enough of the Goosey Goose to get her to accept the body of Christ later. Further proof that the Lamb of God has great taste in chicks, terrible taste in booze.

28

01 2011

OK, Now You Two Kiss…

“A little closer. Closer. Now make sure the half empty bottle is in the shot. Perfect. *CLICK* Now hold up real fast so I can send this to my lawyer  to make sure it will be admissible in court…By the way. Thanks for saving me a roofie.”

27

01 2011