Douchebags Love Grey Goose

I admittedly don’t know much about indentured servantry, but considering Adrian Peterson makes $10.27 Mil a year I’m going out on a limb and saying by comparing himself to one he’s either the highest paid slave in history or the biggest douche. And considering the above ad he’s in fact a Goose Douche – joining a proud cadre of Ed Hardy wearing bottle chuggers with no problems trivializing a terrible era in world history by comparing it to a fight between millionaires and billionaires.  Maybe teammate Greg Camarillo (who’s Jewish) can compare the owners to Nazis? Or Troy Polamau could compare his plight to King Hippo and the travesty of Mario holding his people down.

Judging by the bad facial hair and T-shirt that will be drenched in fat dude sweat within the next hour I think Jobba here can pour goose down his throat by himself. But his friend appears all too eager to do it for him. Some would say having another man jamming a bottle in your mouth is normal and completely masculine. I’m not one of those people.

I don’t know mysterious reader EmptyG’s true identity, but when it comes to tracking down the Goose Douche this dude has the deductive powers of both Hardy Boys duct taped together into some kind of uber detective. Photos like this are what got me into the GD game in the first place. Notice the bottle reads backwards? I can only assume it’s because these douche canoes took the picture in a mirror. Also, nice touche with the sepia tone. Classy. Point is this wasn’t like a random, spontaneous, mistake – they meant to look this douchey.

I’ve touched on this before, but what is the deal with people taking the Goose to the face? There’s no other bottle that causes drinkers to instinctively throat it on camera. The Goose Douche loves that shit.

But here’s the real mind fuck…go online and do a Google Image search for “vodka chug”, and take note of the direction the bottle is facing in the pictures. A good mix of left to right, right to left, straight on – sort of what you’d expect from a bunch of idiots that are using their faces as a human funnels. Now try searching “Grey Goose chug.” Notice 90% of the bottles are going left to right. OMMFG WTF. The Goose Douche can’t chug right! I guess they’re not ambichuggers?

Wrong! He’s actually a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars who is on a drug called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. But those certainly look like bottles of the Goose in the back right of the little bar? But he probably just uses them to watch porn stars bottle squat and such being that he has tiger blood and Adonis DNA. That dude know how to party or what????

I slacked on the posting today so I’ll leave you this weekend with an actual gray goose – with an a not an e and no capitalization because I’m talking about a mother fucking bird PLAYA!. These mother fuckers are so god damn pimp that they have a mother fucking stuffed goose! Pass my boys a SHOT! HOLLLLLLAAAAAA!!!!!

The only thing I know about Enrique Iglesiasis that he banged Anna Kournikova – or still is? Honestly I have no idea, but since he was tapping it by 2001 when she was still relevant it’s pretty braggable. Also terrifying considering before his 135 frame was underwhelming her she was taken to town by half the Russian Olympic hockey team. None of this seems to bother him in this pic though as he fills his male friend full of Goosey-goodness.

The song is about a minute and a half too long and not very funny, but guess what vodka is featured?

“You think think we’re doing enough to put ourselves out there? I mean your panties are showing and we’re both giving “fuck me” eyes but do these dudes realize I want to be split like firewood?.  I know, I’ll fellate the bottle while you make a kissy face. Yeah, yeah, that’s it. We’re so getting clamydia tonight.”

I don’t like to brag, but this site is a pretty big deal in the UK. Quite factual really. I attribute it to their ever growing Goose Douche population across the pond as well as the fact they all wear monocles. I’m not sure what the correlation there is, but it’s difficult to avoid.  As such submissions from over there have been pouring in – and by pouring I mean this is like the third.

Per the email:

It’s about time someone high-lighted these utter muppets.

Attached is a photo, the guy with the bottles is called Olly, an estate agent from London who likes to go out in the west end for 1 weekend a month after payday acting like he’s famous spending $500 (they ramp the prices up in west end clubs) per bottle, but still never gets laid.

Even when he try’s to mix it up with Belv and Goose, disgraceful.

Thank you James, and good luck to our friends in the UK.